Posted by ilene on June 25, 2000 at 13:50:58:
In Reply to: Spiritual posted by Marie on March 26, 2000 at 06:51:53:
: I was physically and emotionally abused in a 12 year marriage. It has been 10 years since I divorced him. I married a 2nd time and thought that I was in love. But, once again I left that marriage feeling it wasn't right. I have been in a 4 year relationship with a wonderful man. However, I've been thinking about leaving him. It just doesn't feel like love to me. I am confused if this pattern of running has anything to do with the abusive relationship or am I searching for my soul mate? I am a very spiritual person and believe if I can connect with the spiritual world, whether that is within me or if it exists outside of myself, everything would become clear. Can someone give me some direction? Where do I start ?
I'm not sure I can help you learn where to start, because I, too have similar issues. I wasn't abused physically but due to low self-esteem and a less than perfect childhood have a long history of relationship problems. I have been living with a great guy for 12 years. He loves me unconditionally, supports everything I do and wants to marry me. In spite of this, I keep becoming attracted to other guys (although I having cheated physically yet, I definitely have betrayed him emotionally and spiritually.) Just like you said, it doesn't "feel like love". What feels like love to me is obsessive longing, drama, and all those extreme highs and lows I'm used to. I do, however understand myself enough to realize that throwing away this relationship isn't the answer, but learning to heal myself is, and I suspect that is also the answer for you. I think the pattern comes from not loving ourselves enough and thinking that a different man will change everything and make us happy. We have to learn to make ourselves happy before we can make any major life decisions clearly. I tried regular psychotherapy briefly but don't feel it's the answer for me. I am now trying more spiritually based techniques and will let you know if anything I learn seems likely to help you. In the meantime, be very aware of the unconsious motivations behind your actions before you do anything you might regret. Good Luck! Ilene